What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.