What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.