What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
inventing words: clothing
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
23. the denim jacket
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.