What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I need better friends
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.