Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.