What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
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If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.