Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.