Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…