Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.