Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.