What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
You Might Also Like
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“You drive, I’m tired.”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.