What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
War & Peace
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.