What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.