What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
*feels the wind in my toe hair
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair