What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
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*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Wednesday
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours