What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
You Might Also Like
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?