What do you call a retired miner?
Doug
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?