What do you call a retired miner?
Doug
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Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.