Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively peels off lederhosen

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

Breaking news:

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

*cough*

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.