What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…