What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
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Bike is short for Bichael.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
What even happened today?
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.