Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

Order here:
More here:

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

March 16