Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

I feel it

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?