Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

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Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

Yup.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.