What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Oh my God.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.