What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
