Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

Another day, another…goddammit

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Tier 3 meme

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you