What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
consequences, the bane of my existence
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.