Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What