What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
You Might Also Like
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Good morning
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this