What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
who called it hell and not heaven’t
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
HR said no more nunchucks.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*