What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now