Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

2022: I can fix it

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.