Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover