What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.