What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Left at a local drug store…
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.