Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Monday

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

That time Alicia messaged me

Human are so complicated

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila