Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.