What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
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My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I wanna be friends with this person
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.