My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Saturday
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.