What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.