What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car