Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New mindset, who dis?

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

don’t message me unless you have this energy

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.