Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome