What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
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The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
No. YOU-buprofen.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.