Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.