What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
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If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If snakes were wide
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Breaking news:
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”