What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
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I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…