What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
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Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Eating for two.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
the answer was staring at me all along
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks