What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit