Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?