What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
shampoo implies shampee
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”