What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
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I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Grandmother clock.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.