What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.