Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over