What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
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Lmaoo 😂
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets