What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
You Might Also Like
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Be vigilant
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely