What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
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