What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
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Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.