Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials