What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
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[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
When you have to use a public restroom.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’m pretty like a car crash.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.