Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

These aliens are taking forever.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn