Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.