Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.