What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Selfie
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]