What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
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straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.