What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Catercrombie & Fish
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun