What do you call Winnie the poohâs grandma? PoohNani đ¤Ł
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It took 3 employees to help me complete âself-checkoutâ today.
âSingle
âTaken
â This claim is disputed!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Letâs blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Letâs blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Itâs been 5 years now. Iâm afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas Iâve ever played
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. Iâm 38.
Excuse me waiter, but thereâs an F-35 in my soup
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet âcute animalâ pictures
A co-worker is retiring, so theyâre passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
youâre legally allowed to steal anything from the doctorâs office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Europeans are like âwe go on holiday but Americans donât go on holiday, they go on vacation.â
WE DONâT GO ON VACATION EITHER
Iâm in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighborâs driveway âstealingâ my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because Iâm gonna need those shoes back.
My husband didnât help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: Iâm heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why donât you just say youâre going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Everyone in âStar Warsâ.
Everyone in âThe Muppetsâ.
Everyone in âGame of Thronesâ.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Me (comforting a friend whoâs team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I once banged the Michelin ManâŚit was tiresome
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I donât know what this says about me as a parent but tbh Iâm actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next weekâŚnow who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?