What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
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I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Air conditioning – not a fan
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.