What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.