Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

RT if you know someone like this!!!

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*