Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Just say no

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.