What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
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Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.