Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.