What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.