Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

Sorted

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

first you must answer his riddles

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Good morning

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.