What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
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I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner